Writer and Actor Kevin Yee On His SXSW Debut

CH: I think it’s important that you don’t even try to answer any kind of particular questions. Because for one thing, everyone’s journey is different.

Even for you in your case, you’re speaking as a gay man in the entertainment industry, but your journey isn’t going to be the same as another gay Asian man in the industry. But we all can relate to having to come to a point where we decide “Who am I? Who am I right now, who am I going to be tomorrow, and who do I want to be?”

Using the analogy of your series being a guide, every guide is different as well, which is an analogy used by the character of Marie, played by Brittani Nichols (Abbott Elementary, Black Lady Sketch Show), she says that. She uses that as an example for Ben, that he has to take that first step, and it being the hardest.

When I’m writing an article or a review or anything I know what I want to say, but actually sitting down and putting that first word on that blank page is sometimes the hardest.

So for you, let’s talk about the bravery of Ben’s journey, because I think it’s kind of interesting that you started with him having a panic attack, and seeing an older Asian man staring back at him in the mirror. You wonder who this man is and if Ben is seeing his father or perhaps his future. As though he has moved past the point he’s at now. Talk about starting it there, because I thought it was an interesting place to start the story.
KY: For me, that is kind of the realization that sometimes if you hold things in so much, your physical body will force you to address it. You need to address these things; you can’t ignore them.

I wrote this before the pandemic. I had my first panic attack during the pandemic, and it was really when I was sitting there realizing how precious life is, how quick it is, and how I really hadn’t accomplished things in my life that I wanted, more career-wise, but also in relationships as well. And I think what I’m realizing, not just for myself, but for my friends around me and a lot of people that, you know, grew up to become actors. So I have a lot of friends that were quite successful younger, and then they’ve had to kind of reconfigure their lives, and I’m realizing that everyone has to have a moment of clarity when they realize that they’re on a path that is not going to make them happy. I mean, I think some people have it very young. But a lot of people around me are having that right now, and so that transition is something I find very important.

A lot of my own writing for my other scripts as well has to do with starting over because in my life, I’ve had to start over many, many times. I’ve always been in the entertainment industry, but I’ve been on TV, I’ve been on Broadway, I’ve been in the music industry, I’ve lived in Toronto, I’ve lived in New York.

I’ve lived many places, and I’ve had to start over. Coming to LA was also really starting over for me because, like, for the first five years when I moved here, and I moved here right when I turned 30, I didn’t work. And that’s also what exacerbated this story to come out of me, like, what is the purpose? And so within the story, and I feel like yes, it is kind of giving away the ending, but I will say that this is supposed to represent the father, and there’s another twist, obviously that I won’t say, but that the father is something that I also recognize, because it’s based off of my own father, who I’m also estranged from.

And when I talk about following rules, he was a Chinese immigrant that came to Canada, and he immediately started working in a way that you’re supposed to, and that his parents taught him, and their parents taught them of just like, you’re supposed to get a job, you’re supposed to stay there for your entire life, and then you retire. You get married, you have kids, then you retire. And that’s what he did. He worked for Canada Post.

He was there until he was 65, and then he retired, and him and my mother separated when I was younger, and he holds a lot of resentment towards her because that’s not what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to be miserable together for the rest of your life. And so the question that I had within myself, when I was going through this, you know, within the past five, six years, is just, like, at some point, you have to acknowledge it.

In a way, I’m lucky that it was in my 30s. He was 65, he retired, and then it’s the question of realizing that no company cares about you. There has to be some kind of realization for most people that, you know, a job is just a job, and it shouldn’t define you. Something needs to change within you so that you can find your joy, because life is so short.

I’m trying to find my humanity and me as a person, but I’m also finding me as an artist...I’ve been a performer that has spoken other people’s words for my entire life...and now I’m kind of trying to take back myself and my voice so that I can create for Hollywood what I believe is authenticity.

So it’s a double thing that I’m doing because I’m trying to find my humanity and me as a person, but I’m also finding me as an artist because I’ve been a performer that has spoken other people’s words for my entire life and begged people to be part of their project, and now I’m kind of trying to take back myself and my voice so that I can create for Hollywood what I believe is authenticity. And I think that’s the switch within me that happened around my 30s when I was like “I cannot just be other people’s clay. I have to be my own voice.” I think that all that helps me as a human as well.

CH: Something that I picked up and saw in the narrative of Ben’s story is that it’s about breaking cycles, which coincides with what you’re saying about your father, and Ben’s father.

It’s about pursuing happiness, and breaking the cycle of unhappiness. So let’s talk a bit about that, because I thought that was very intriguing, especially because that’s something I need to work on with my parents too.
KY: Yeah, that’s exactly right. Within my own relationship with my father, like, as I’ve gotten older, I see myself in him, or I see him in myself now a lot, where I’m like “Oh, God, I’m turning into him!” and that’s my biggest fear. My father and I have been estranged for over 20 years now, so I’ve not had him in my life at all. But when I think about it, I believe that we will never have a relationship again, I think it is really too late. There’s so much divide between us. But his father also had a very tumultuous relationship with him, so I feel like a lot of what happened between myself and my father is because of what happened with him and his father, and so he’s just passing down the trauma to me, and I personally don’t think that I will ever have kids, so I have no trauma to pass down. So it kind of ends with me, but…you know, my brother does have kids and my brother is the good son, with a wife and a government job. 

Now, my brother is very much like my father now, but my brother even is trying to break the cycle in many ways, and he’s trying to be the parent that he didn’t feel like he had. So it’s kind of like this passing down, of trying to break it. And I wonder if it is just the moment we’re living in with social media. We’re more aware now. 

I think a lot of how [with the] older generation mental health wasn’t as important, and now with our generation, mental health is important. Going to therapy is important, like talking about these things is important, as opposed to the older generations which were more repressed. So it feels like for this generation, this moment is when we can break this cycle if we try. Or else it just keeps going. But yeah, that’s exactly what the story is.

Of course, I can only show 11 minutes for this pilot, and I do have a full 30-minute script, but the 11 minutes was all I could afford. But as it moves forward, like I said, it’s a more relatable story to everyone because it is about the themes of aging, dying alone, but it’s told very specifically through a gay Asian viewpoint, and things like Chinese culture, queer culture, the things that we pass down.

So that is something that is explored, just like cultural things like the Asian immigrant family is not just what you know…caring about mental health or understanding of mental health, the older generations and how the younger generations and how things are passed down into our DNA, that trauma and we have to like try and get out of that. So there’s a lot of themes going on but my goal with it was just the initial theme of this relatability of aging, dying alone, and then the series as it continues does have this very nuanced kind of arc of it being queer and Asian related.

CH: The show talks about being afraid of failing and being afraid of not pursuing our dreams. So I really do hope you’re able to get it produced and it gets picked up. Congratulations on even just doing this, because filmmaking and making a pilot is not easy.
KY: It’s not and it’s very expensive. So I hope everyone can see it one day.