‘The Archies’ is a Tragic Example of Bollywood’s Nepo Baby Problem

The movie’s one eye-catching idea is its opening prologue, a scrapbook-in-motion which explains why a town called Riverdale (populated by Indian characters with surnames like Andrews, Cooper, and Lodge) exists in Northern India. The hill station is a remnant of the British Raj, and is home to a bustling Anglo-Indian community of mixed British and Indian descent, a premise spotlighted heavily in this opening, but one that seldom factors into the actual story in any detailed or meaningful way. Archie Andrews (Agastya Nanda) is a local tour guide, at least for this one scene, and he explains all this to a group of outsiders—much is made, early on, of the fact that he was born in 1947, the same year the British left India—while also mentioning his band from the comics, The Archies. But they aren’t really part of the movie either, so this entire introduction can’t help but feel perfunctory, especially given the sheer lack of mood or energy in Nanda’s voiceover (he also flattens every possible note in his delivery of dialogue).

Mere minutes in, something feels amiss. The costumes and set design are vividly detailed and era-appropriate—along with slightly modulated details; the burgers at Pop Tate’s are made with chicken, and the milkshakes are mango—but the movie’s bizarre color correction saps the bright hues from every surface and pastel garment. Perhaps the intent was to make The Archies look like a faded photograph, but the result is drab regardless—a poor choice for a musical comedy about youthful, rebellious 17-year-olds on the precipice of adulthood. Things only get worse once the two leading ladies are introduced. The comics’ bubbly Betty Cooper is similarly sapped of all personality by Khushi Kapoor, who seems more confused than engaged. And while Suhana Khan at least imbues Veronica Lodge with a vague sense of spoiled bratty-ness, it’s the only note she’s able to play, regardless of the situation. The duo’s first on-screen interaction is a death-knell for The Archies: they have no presence whatsoever, and shockingly little ability to make even the simplest lines of expository dialogue feel natural. It’s like watching a table read, and the disconnect between their talents and what’s demanded of them only grows wider during the musical numbers, since the playback singers voicing them are able to emote with ease, while the leads themselves clearly struggle.

Perhaps harping this much on a trio of debuting 20-somethings is untoward, but the problem here is crystal clear: the incestuous nature of the Hindi film industry.

Perhaps harping this much on a trio of debuting 20-somethings is untoward, but the problem here is crystal clear: the incestuous nature of the Hindi film industry. Some young actors are green; they show promise, but their talents could use some honing. Others are simply non-actors, who feel so stilted and off-the-mark that it’s hard to imagine them leading a major production. But in Bollywood, both these aforementioned groups have rockets strapped to their backs if they’re born into industry families. Star kids are “launched” (i.e. cast in leading roles as their debuts) by well-known filmmakers after shadowing them on set, usually once their powerful parents call in a favor. Many of the kids in question always have this opportunity available to them, sometimes as a fallback if other careers don’t work out. Agastya Nanda is the grandson of legendary actor Amitabh Bachchan. Khushi Kapoor (whose older sister Janhvi has led several films, and similarly lacks in presence) is the daughter of the late screen legend Sridevi and producer Boney Kapoor—himself the son of producer Surinder Kapoor. Suhana Khan is the daughter of Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan; she appeared on the cover of Vogue India in 2018, where she was labeled a “future star” despite having no credits to her name. Plenty of second-, third-, and even fourth-generation Indian actors have eventually proven their worth (Nanda’s uncle Abhishek Bachchan; RRR leads Ram Charan and N.T. Rama Rao Jr.; and Kapoor’s cousin Ranbir), but seldom have so many been launched in one place with so little to show for it.

Thankfully, The Archies’ plot is two-pronged, so we’re given some respite from the trio’s talents (or lack thereof). As always, Archie is torn between his dueling crushes on girl-next-door Betty and the wealthy Veronica (the latter of whom has just returned from London), while elsewhere, the Lodge family engages in a plot to build an expensive hotel atop the existing town square and its lush garden, which would result in a significant loss of jobs, scenery, and local history. Unfortunately, these two stories don’t really intersect until over an hour into the movie’s (painfully protracted) 143-minute runtime, but the supporting ensemble in either case is often delightful to watch.

On the adult side of things, British Pakistani actor Alyy Khan plays the sinister business magnate Hiram Lodge, with Vinay Pathak as his scheming right-hand-man Dawson, a pairing that proves appropriately cartoonish for this particular property. Few of the other grown-ups intersect meaningfully with the teenage characters—an oddity for a tale about the social fabric of this town—though the two exceptions make for some of the film’s most vital and moving elements. Suhaas Ahuja has a sweet and comforting presence as Fred Andrews, a father whose concerns for his son’s college future are balanced deftly with his concerns for his personal well-being, and Ahuja even delivers the best (and perhaps only) running gag that speaks to the Anglo-Indian premise, with lines of broken Hindi that slowly improve as the film goes on. Alongside him, Anglo-Indian actor Luke Kenny plays newspaper editor Ricky Mantle, a conflicted father who wants his jock/stand-up comic son Reggie (Vedang Raina) to join the family business for sentimental reasons.

In fact, the immaculately coiffed Reggie, with his showy bravado concealing inner vulnerabilities, is perhaps the closest thing the movie has to an interesting lead. As an actor, Raina carves Reggie’s dilemma between comedy and journalism with surprising subtlety, as he tries to navigate the changing dynamics of his friend group and his father’s expectations. All the while, his doting, nerdy sidekick, Dilton “Dilly” Doiley (Yuvraj Menda) is given an equally intriguing queer subplot, and brings a delightful energy to the scenes he shares with the likes of Betty and Veronica (thank goodness). There are times it feels like the entire film should’ve been centered around Reggie and Dilly, whose sweet, multifaceted relationship results in funny and deeply affirming moments.

There are times it feels like the entire film should’ve been centered around Reggie and Dilly, whose sweet, multifaceted relationship results in funny and deeply affirming moments.

A number of other supporting Archies regulars show up too. It wouldn’t be an Archie movie without Archie’s best friend Jughead, the sarcastic glutton who actor Mihir Ahuja portrays to a tee, though he feels largely like an afterthought. Like Ahuja’s Jughead, Rudra Mahuvakar’s slow but well-meaning Moose is sketched with equally broad and comical strokes, while songwriter Aditi “Dot” Saigal gets her own conflicted subplot as Ethel Muggs, which speaks to the changing fabric of Riverdale once the Lodge family begins gentrifying its local businesses.

Akhtar, who co-wrote the script with Ayesha Devitre Dhillon and Reema Kagti, has made a number of great films in the past (most recently, the bustling hip-hop movie Gully Boy), but you wouldn’t know it from watching The Archies, given how the majority of the movie’s dance sequences are shot and assembled in rote, mechanical fashion. The one exception to this is the high school-set ditty “Everything Is Politics” (composed by the trio Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy and written by Akhtar’s father, the renowned lyricist Javed Akhtar), whose choreography features youthful verve, but whose late placement in the movie makes it feel less like a coming-of-age anthem and more like a distracting detour just as the plot is finally kicking into gear.

Then again, while catchier musical numbers with more pizzazz might’ve improved matters slightly, it’s doubtful that they would’ve saved the film. There’s a capable movie in there somewhere—the support cast is dazzling, and the often complex Anglo Indian perspective rarely gets its due in mainstream cinema—but The Archies is constantly swallowed up by the three charisma black holes at its center, who have no sense of chemistry with one another, and deliver such terribly wooden performances that they lay bare Bollywood’s entire nepotistic house of cards.