How to tell if you’re ready to move on from therapy

There are a lot of conversations about why it’s important to go to therapy, from benefits such as increased self-awareness and better communication skills, to simply having a place to talk openly about our experiences and get some perspective from a licensed professional.

But how do we know when we’re ready to move on from therapy, even if just temporarily? That question seems to have fewer answers, probably because it’s much more nuanced: Is anyone ever ready to stop going to therapy? How do we know if therapy isn’t right for us, or if it’s just a particular therapist who doesn’t align with our needs? What if unprecedented times keep on going, giving us more to discuss week after week? 

Therapy adds value to my life whenever I’m in it, but I’ve also realized that therapy isn’t always easy and requires engagement on both sides in order to be the most effective.

“Therapy is a place to share, explore, interrogate, be challenged, and learn new things about yourself,” says Sahaj Kaur Kohli, Brooklyn-based therapist, author, and founder of Brown Girl Therapy. “Still, therapy will only get you so far. You also have to put in the work to understand your behavior, triggers, and needs.”

People decide to go to therapy for different reasons, which is why she recommends reflecting on the original goal that brought us there. This can help us understand what role therapy plays in our lives and how it could shift. “Sometimes, people go to therapy with the goal of being less of a people pleaser, managing a loss, or being a better communicator with their parents,” Kohli says. “Therapy may uncover other things too. You may be ready to stop when you’ve addressed your initial goals.”

When it comes to Asian American clients and children of immigrants in particular, Kohli has found they may be the first ones in their family to go to therapy, which may come with the guilt of talking about their family during sessions. They also tend to intellectualize things. In other words, she says, problem solving may come more naturally than feeling our feelings, and therapy can be a place to explore that. “The work may be identifying, naming, sitting with, and feeling your emotions instead of just talking about them,” Kohli says. “What does it look like to accept it and move through your body?”

Therapy for Asian Americans can also come with the realization that other things from our childhood or forms of trauma are impacting us today in ways we didn’t realize. “When you unpack one thing, you’re opening a box and yourself to other things that can also come up,” Kohli says. “It’s not because you have more problems, but that you’re in a place to sift through problems you haven’t revisited. Even looking in that box is growth.”

When therapy is not being used to treat a diagnosed mental illness on an ongoing basis, it might be more seasonal. Sometimes, a big life event, such as a loss or life transition, can trigger symptoms of anxiety or depression. Over time, we may feel more prepared to manage those emotions and changes. “Check in with yourself about the role of therapy as life changes, and seek support and guidance when you need it,” says New York-based therapist, author, and speaker Israa Nasir.

As we reflect on the initial reason we started therapy, it’s important to think about where we’ve seen progress and where there’s still work to be done. For example, we may pause or stop therapy if we feel like we’ve processed the event or thing that initially brought us into therapy. Nasir says one sign of growth is if we choose a different response in previously triggering situations.

A core part of therapy is applying the tools and awareness that we learn in our sessions in real life. These could be tangible tools like feeling wheels or guided workbooks, or skills to help us understand cognitive reframing, conflict resolution, boundary setting, and emotional regulation. Oftentimes, these are tools that we’re not taught how to develop—but they’re necessary for self-awareness, coping, and healthy habits.

As a narrative therapist, Kohli’s main tool is story awareness. She uses this to help clients understand the dominant narrative in how clients talk about themselves and how to make meaning out of their lives. Like many things, these skills require practice to develop. “There’s work that needs to happen outside of therapy sessions,” Kohli says. “When you’re pausing, identifying emotions, setting boundaries, or practicing healthier attachment behaviors, these are all signs that growth is happening.”

Nasir suggests being an active participant in therapy, whether that’s by doing homework, asking questions, or telling your therapist if something feels off. That’s information for them to understand you better. If you hold back, they may not know everything that’s happening.

Kohli also shares that it’s common to reach a point at which you may want to see a different therapist or pause altogether, especially as you start to apply the skills you’ve learned in therapy. “Even though I love working with my clients, they may outgrow me as a clinician,” she says. “You may have gone as far as you could with a therapist and decided to see someone else. Ultimately, our job is to work ourselves outside of the job.”

It’s also okay to take a break from therapy or change your approach simply because you need to. “People aren’t projects that need to be worked on,” Kohli says. “Therapy is also about creating space for joy, celebration, and love. We can also talk about what’s been working about what’s going well for you.”

Sometimes, the question of when to stop therapy feels daunting, especially when every day is marked by political changes, economic instability, and xenophobic rhetoric. Amid all of this, going to therapy less frequently might feel daunting at best, and impossible at worst. This is part of why Kohli sees therapy as one of many tools for learning new skills, understanding our emotions, and processing our life experiences. “We need therapy, and we also need to be in community with each other,” she says. “If you want a village, be a villager. Show up for your neighbors, give people rides to the airport, and use your privilege to help others.”

Ultimately, it’s normal to change our relationship with therapy over time, and it’s one of many tools that we can use to support our wellbeing.

“Therapy is a co-created environment,” Nasir says. “We need our therapist to challenge us. It might feel uncomfortable, but it’s often an invitation for growth.”