F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: Time to open up!

Hello, my cutie patooties! Wow, we have officially reached the 20th F*ck Around and Find Out. Have you all learned a lot? Have you tried something new? Did you try the bathtub thing? 

This month, I’m answering some of the questions that were submitted to me many moons ago but haven’t responded to. And I’ll be honest, I put them in my “someday” pile because they were thinkers that I needed to harness my optimal brain power for. But guess what? I am in my follicular phase and I’m riding that estrogen high, baby. Let’s get to it.

Can women orgasm by giving a blowjob? -Anonymous

I’m not going to lie, I didn’t answer this one for a long time because I was thrown off by this question thinking, “What? Of course not. That’s a ridiculous notion.” But here I am, standing in shame by my own quick judgment. It was a rookie mistake to not remember that in sex, everything is possible—different strokes for different folks (in many cases, literally!). This particular question came to light recently while I was having the loveliest lunch in New Jersey with the incredible neuroscientists and sex researchers, Nan Wise and Barry Komisaruk. Wise explained that the vagus nerve is the longest nerve that travels throughout the entire body, including from the throat to the cervix. The theory goes, when the throat is activated by something going deeply in and out, over and over again, it could potentially activate the cervix and the muscles around it to cause an orgasm—AKA a throat orgasm! She even mentioned that there could be a correlation between people with sensitive gag reflexes and people who experience vaginal tightness. Mind. Freaking. Blown. (Pun accidental but now intended.)

How do I convince my boyfriend to use a male sex toy during sex? -Anonymous

It’s kind of a funny thing because in the 10 years I’ve been advocating for destigmatizing female sexual pleasure and seeing promising progress, I’ve actually realized that male sex toys are even more taboo than vibrators. From what I’ve heard over the years, it typically boils down to men feeling like they shouldn’t need a toy because they should be “getting the real thing.” But you know what’s also been really interesting? When I start yapping about all the cool *ss and penis gadgets and gizmos available for men, those very same guys that scoffed at the idea of male sex toys always ask me for the product links again a few weeks later. So to answer your question, I think it’s all about planting those seeds in your boyfriend’s head! Prime him by showing him the wide variety of toys that exist and see if any of them might pique his interest. You can also make it totally fun by going on a date to a sex toy shop where they sell both male and female toys, and you two can peruse and see all the really fun and wild toys out there that neither of you could have imagined as possibilities! 

And I mean it, there are some really cool companies out there making some really neat stuff: Aneros, some of the best-designed prostate stimulators; Handy, a sleek hand job machine; Firmtech, an erection measuring cock ring; Autoblow, with their wild milking machines; and Balldo, a sleeve so you can penetrate with your balls. Yeah, seriously. 

Do you ever worry your dirtiest fantasies mean that there is something wrong with you? I have read about what I’m interested in and I think it would fall under CNC/rape-play and I’ve been reading a lot about how to do it safely, but I can’t help but feel disgusted in myself and wonder if I’m a bad person for having this fantasy. -Anonymous

Aw man, thank you so much for this vulnerable question and I’m truly sorry I took so long to respond to it. I really like this question because I think so many can relate to wondering if their fantasies and kinks mean something about themselves as a person.

In short, what your consensual non-consent (CNC) and rape-play fantasies say about you is that you have a kink. And the fact that you are reading about how to do it safely and with the consent of the people involved means you know how to distinguish a kink from reality. It doesn’t mean anything else about who you are as a person. For all I know, maybe you steal candy from babies every day. That would make you more of a bad person than having a kink.

Humans are incredibly complex and when it comes to what brings us pleasure, it gets even more confusing because what I could find arousing, you might find horrifying and maybe it’s because of our different upbringings, different experiences, or we were just born that way. But with that said, humans are also incredibly complex in the way that we don’t need to act on our primal brain instincts. We can choose to not act on fantasies and we can choose to communicate, learn, and find consensual ways to safely play on our desires. To me, it sounds like you are doing just that, considering morality and finding ways to navigate. I’m not the decider of good and evil in this world and I don’t know anything else about you, but I can confidently say that having a fantasy doesn’t make you inherently bad.

I promise you that there is truly NO question too unhinged for F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee. Have a question you’d like me to answer for the next article? Submit them anonymously here!