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F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: The powerhouse of the big O

Our resident sexpert gives an anatomy lesson for better orgasms and answers other reader questions

Words by Anna Lee

F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: This is the modern sex advice column you didn’t know you needed, focused on finding confidence in your own pleasure through knowledge and research! Think a fresh reimagining from the days of those pink, star-studded magazine sex advice columns like “10 Ways to Please Your Man” that we all grew up with. In my journey from growing up in a strict, immigrant Korean household, scared of my own body, to my current reality as co-founder of a smart vibrator company and certified sex educator, I realized how much we need to destigmatize the cultural taboo around sexual pleasure. So, hold my hand (if you want to, of course) and together, let’s fuck around and find out every nook and cranny of this sexy world. 🙂 

Have a question you’d like me to answer? Keep ‘em coming by submitting it anonymously here!

Hello my cutie patooties! I just had a moment of awe realizing that this is my 17th article for JoySauce. I know it may not sound like a lot to some of you, but if you were the professor for my mandatory English 2B class back in college, you would know how much I dreaded writing. Like, sitting-in-my-bathtub-to-force-myself-to-write kind of dread. But look at me now: Writing about one of my favorite topics in the world, and instead of sitting in my bathtub to write, I write about how to fuck in a bathtub. You gotta love how the world works sometimes. Professor, in case you’re reading my sex advice column, this one’s for you.

A corner of an English paper with notes from a teacher written in purple/pink ink.

A photo I took in 2010 of my essay feedback from my professor because it was so bad.

Courtesy of Anna Lee

Any tips for giving BJs when you have TMJ? I get lockjaw so quickly. - TJ

I love that this question sent me into a 20-minute deep dive into learning about the temporomandibular joint (TMJ) and temporomandibular disorders (TMD) so that I can apply it to blowjob techniques. For those who are also unfamiliar, TMJ disorders cause pain in the jaw point and muscles that help you open and close your mouth. So when doing actions like having to keep your mouth open with a banana inside for an extended period of time, it can cause a real problem. My first recommendation in this situation would be to definitely just give your partner a heads up, because good sex is all about making each other feel seen and comfortable. Also if they’re anything like me, it might peak their curiosity into spending 20 minutes researching TMJ. Second, a more practical tip is to focus your mouth only on the tip and let your hands take care of the rest of the length. You grab the dick with both hands, one above the other, and rotate as you go up and down, all while your tongue just focuses on the head and keeping things wet. (Some of you may be familiar with this technique so lovingly coined as the Gluck Gluck 9000). This is also just generally great for anyone with a sensitive gag reflex!

A meme of Laurence Fishburne as Morpheus from "The Matrix" that reads, "What if I told you the clit is the powerhouse of the orgasms."

The clitoris is so important.

Courtesy of Anna Lee

I don’t get the hype of penetration orgasming. It’s only happened once in my life back in my early 20s (30s now) and it does nothing for me. Flicking the bean seems better but too short. - Anonymous  

This is a question I’ve heard a lot at my job and actually one that I used to have myself and think that something is wrong with me because I had such a hard time with vaginal orgasms. But I have really good news for you: This is 1,000 percent common! There are a handful of studies like this that showed 74 percent of people cannot orgasm from penetration alone. This is because the clitoris is SO, SO important! It’s basically the mitochondria of our pleasure: the powerhouse of orgasms.

In fact, it’s often cited by sex researchers and sex educators that the reason orgasms happen during penetration is because you are still stimulating the internal clitoris! The more aroused you are, the more the clitoris fully engorges with blood similar to a penis. This means there’s a higher chance of being able to stimulate the internal clitoris during penetration if the clitoris is more engorged! How cool is that?

An illustration of the female sex organs.

You can see from this image how the clitoral bulbs internally hug the vaginal opening.

Illustration by Alakina Mann

As for flicking the bean feeling too short, I’d recommend playing with the edging technique, where you keep building up close to an orgasm but not letting yourself get over the edge for a while. This is also a great time to play around with building up your arousal and seeing if penetration feels better for you the more you’re aroused. You may be saying hello to your internal clitoris.

I’m 77 years old, and I don't think I can finish making love to a woman. I do enjoy masturbation, is there a nice way to ask a woman to masturbate with you? - Anonymous

Heck yes! Mutual masturbation is totally a thing. A wonderful thing! I think a lot of us get bogged down by the idea that penetration and coming equals sex. Of course, penetration and coming can be part of the equation to sex, but it’s definitely not the end all be all. The most important factor is…pleasure. I think most people can agree you can finger, kiss, give oral, dirty talk your way into being the best lover on this entire planet. As for some practical advice, I’d bring it up while you are getting hot and heavy and whisper in their ear, “I’d love to watch you play with yourself” or “I want to see how you make yourself cum.” It can totally be seen as a sexy addition to play rather than framing it as “I have this particular thing…” Go have fun with it!

I promise you that there is truly NO question too unhinged for F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee. Have a question you’d like me to answer for the next article? Submit them anonymously here!

Published on April 16, 2024

Words by Anna Lee

Anna Lee is the co-founder and Head of Engineering of Lioness, the women-led sexual wellness company that built the world’s first and only smart vibrator. Anna was previously a mechanical engineer at Amazon, launching the Amazon Dash Button’s original concept and the Kindle Voyage Page Press Technology. She is a Forbes 30 Under 30 alum and has been covered in numerous publications like Fast CompanyGlamour, and Popular Science, as well as Paper Magazine’s Asian Women Creators You Need to Know and Buzzfeed’s 14 Sex Tech Founders Who Are Changing The Way The World Thinks About Sex. Anna is also a prominent sex education creator on TikTok with nearly 400,000 followers. She is a big advocate of expanding understanding and research in sexual health, and destigmatizing female sexuality.