F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: Talk dirty to me!

Hello, my cutie patooties! I hope you’re all having an incredible summer full of hot, sweaty sex, whether it's with others or with yourself. Personally, for me, I’ve been spending this summer working on a few weekend projects building DIY sex toys and dildos for fun. It’s not exactly the hot, sweaty sex I’m wishing for you all, but I do get sweaty stirring the silicone to cast the dildos, so…close enough. For this month’s F*ck Around and Find Out sex advice, I’m digging through some of the older submissions I never got to. We’re getting into the kind of dirty talk that gets me going, what shirt I wear to the gym, and my favorite BDSM books. Incredible, I know.

What kind of dirty talk do women like? (Can you give examples of a text convo?) - Anonymous

I don’t know if this is bait to get me to say the kind of dirty talk that I think is great, but in any case, call me a fish, baby, because I’m taking the bait!

The fun thing about dirty talk is that I think it’s one of the simplest and most spontaneous ways to elevate and direct the sexual tension into the kind of sex you want to be having. Cooking dinner for me is lovely and incredible, but whispering in my ear at dinner about how you can’t stop thinking about how pretty I look when I sit on your face is going to have me jumping over that dining table for a nasty intermission. (Please don’t stop cooking me dinner, I am just giving an example here!)

Obviously, I don’t speak for all women’s preferences in dirty talk, so I highly recommend a fun, light conversation asking each other what kind of dirty talk they like and also one post-sex to see how they liked the dirty talk. Before you start working on your own artform of dirty talk and/or sexting, a great foundation for the start of all varieties of dirty talk includes:

• Perfectly timed eye contact
• A compliment curveballed into something nasty: “You look so pretty when you [some freaky act]” or “I love how your [body part] looks when you’re [freaky act].”
• Telling them what kind of control they have over you and how much they drive you crazy. I swear most of my friends and I have all agreed that hearing, “You’re going to make me cum” is chef's kiss. Simple perfection.
• A dash of dominant commands. Like, “Take your pants off and bend over.” Oof! You know what I mean.

Is post-nut clarity real? - Anonymous

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” -Robin Williams

I just personally find the term so delightfully fun, and in fact, I have a shirt I wear to the gym that says “post-nut clarity.” Post-nut clarity is the feeling that some people say they experience after cumming, where you come to your senses/get clarity. 2Chan has endearingly coined it as “kenjataimu,” meaning “sage time” in Japanese.

Now, to answer your question, is it real? It’s real enough to have its own page on Wikipedia, but there’s actually no clear scientific research on the phenomenon. There have been a few theories as to why it could happen to people. One theory is that the orbitofrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for decision-making and reasoning, becomes less active during sexy time. So, once you finally do nut and the orbitofrontal cortex lights back up, you see more clearly again. Another interesting theory is that because orgasms release all kinds of happy chemicals and calm your body down, you’re able to have a clearer brain and are no longer driven by your uninhibited “penis-brain” as Robin Williams alluded to. (I’m disappointed that DallE has strict sex policies and won’t generate an image of a penis-brain.)

I think I’m a bottom but I’m not really sure about all the BDSM lingo or where to start learning about it. - Anonymous

I love this question because I had a similar experience when I was first learning about BDSM and kinks but felt overwhelmed by all the lingo. But I have great news for you: just like learning how to grow your own vegetables or play pickleball for the first time, you just start dabbling! Watch a few YouTube videos, read a few articles, and read a few subreddit threads on BDSM and start getting into rabbit holes from new terms you come across. Eventually, you could even start to find munches in your local community to find like-minded BDSM enthusiasts. Two REALLY great books I would highly recommend and have loved that will help you dive into the world in a really approachable way are: The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

Also, never forget that you can belong to the community as much as you’d like to. There are no entrance exams to be a part of the community, and the roles you identify with, like bottom, top, switch, slave, submissive, etc., can change as you go! The only thing I’d ask of you as you explore is to make sure to keep yourself and the people involved as safe and consensual as possible. HAVE SO MUCH SPANKIN’ FUN!

I promise you that there is truly NO question too unhinged for F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee. Have a question you’d like me to answer for the next article? Submit them anonymously here!