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F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: Spicing up your Valentine’s Day

Anna's here with a bonus column this month with advice on how to take your Valentine's Day to the next level

Words by Anna Lee

F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: This is the modern sex advice column you didn’t know you needed, focused on finding confidence in your own pleasure through knowledge and research! Think a fresh reimagining from the days of those pink, star-studded magazine sex advice columns like “10 Ways to Please Your Man” that we all grew up with. In my journey from growing up in a strict, immigrant Korean household, scared of my own body, to my current reality as co-founder of a smart vibrator company and certified sex educator, I realized how much we need to destigmatize the cultural taboo around sexual pleasure. So, hold my hand (if you want to, of course) and together, let’s fuck around and find out every nook and cranny of this sexy world. 🙂 

Have a question you’d like me to answer? Keep ‘em coming by submitting it anonymously here!

Love is in the air, my sweet cherubs! We celebrated our first Valentine’s Day together last year and I had mentioned my V-Day mission was to make sure you fuck, get fucked, and fuck yourself. This year, we’re going to take things up a notch and answer your questions that will add some spice to your red, hot day. So grab your date’s hand (or your own hand) and let’s get moist.

How can I prepare for my first sex party? - BP

How fun! I think I could go into an entire essay on all the different aspects of navigating a sex party. Maybe I can do my next sex advice column fully dedicated to going in-depth about sex parties: how to find them, what to expect, and what to do once you’re there. For this one though, I’m going to assume you’ve already found a sex party to go to and the question is more focused on how to prepare yourself. My first, and most practical advice would be to research and read through everything you can find about the party. You want to make sure they have clear rules around consent, safety, and etiquette. I would steer clear of any that don’t have this easily accessible, as any reputable ones will have this readily available. Then you can figure out some other fun things that can help you prepare. How many people will be attending? Is there a dress code? Is it focused on any specific kinks or fetishes? Also, make sure you have an honest conversation with yourself on what your own boundaries are. What do you want to get out of this party? What are the things that would be hard no’s for you?

Finally, don’t put too much pressure on yourself! You don’t need to be in the center of a 25-person orgy to be a part of the sex party because you saw it in a movie and that’s what you think you’re supposed to be doing…unless that’s what you want to be doing, then you go get it, baddie! I’m rooting for ya!

What’s the best way to bring up a cuckold kink to someone I’m dating? -Anonymous

A smiling man kneels, holding a woman's hands, with a river and greenery in the background, with the words "Will you cuckold with me?" above them.

Not your everyday proposal.

Courtesy of Anna Lee

Previously, we’ve talked about my thoughts on cuckolding, the sexual practice where one partner watches their partner engage in sexual activity with a different person. (Spoiler alert: I think it’s freaking awesome because it requires active practice of open communication and trust) But in order to have the cuckolding element in your relationship, you have to initiate that first conversation around cuckolding to gauge your partner’s interest. And I get it! It can be scary especially if you have no idea what their thoughts are on cuckolding.

Personally, one really good way to test the waters in a fun way is through watching porn together. One of my favorite activities to do when I’m getting to know someone better is to spend a night taking turns queuing up music videos to watch together. It leads to great conversations and learning about the other person. So think of it like that, but the spicy version of this activity. Take turns showing each other a porn video to watch together and test the waters by queuing up one with cuckolding and talk about how much it turns you on to see that. I’m crossing my fingers for you that they immediately pick up on your cuckolding vibes and are 1000% on board!

I only like to be choked during sex sometimes. Why is it so random and unpredictable? - Anonymous

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve seen a TikTok come through my For You Page about people going feral over the thought of hands on their necks…which I’m now realizing says less about the point I was trying to make about it being a popular kink, and more about my algorithm trying to tell me something. In any case, this is a great question! As with all things in sex, there’s never a definitive answer as to why people like something and can vary between emotional, physiological, and psychological reasons. For example, physiologically, endorphins release when airflow resumes, which can feel really good while you’re already aroused. Psychologically, the power dynamic and trust building between partners can enhance the sex. These combinations of things can ebb and flow from one moment to the next, which can cause your interest in choking to feel unpredictable. I’d recommend trying to make mental notes (or a full-blown sex journal if blessed to be more Type A) next time to start processing what instances enhanced or diminished your interest and see if you can start narrowing it down!

Also, I just have to make the note that there is no 100% safe way for erotic asphyxiation, only safer ways. Read up on techniques and safety like creating safe signals if a safe word can’t be said, ways to hold the neck to reduce chances of damage to the windpipe, etc. before jumping into this one!

I promise you that there is truly NO question too unhinged for F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee. Have a question you’d like me to answer for the next article? Submit them anonymously here!

Published on February 14, 2024

Words by Anna Lee

Anna Lee is the co-founder and Head of Engineering of Lioness, the women-led sexual wellness company that built the world’s first and only smart vibrator. Anna was previously a mechanical engineer at Amazon, launching the Amazon Dash Button’s original concept and the Kindle Voyage Page Press Technology. She is a Forbes 30 Under 30 alum and has been covered in numerous publications like Fast CompanyGlamour, and Popular Science, as well as Paper Magazine’s Asian Women Creators You Need to Know and Buzzfeed’s 14 Sex Tech Founders Who Are Changing The Way The World Thinks About Sex. Anna is also a prominent sex education creator on TikTok with nearly 400,000 followers. She is a big advocate of expanding understanding and research in sexual health, and destigmatizing female sexuality.