F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: Masturbation versus partnered sex

Hello, my sweet hotties! We’ve hit that time of year when I’m constantly yelling, “How is it already the end of the year?!” All while panic-booking health appointments I’ve been putting off, and digging up old to-do lists from the graveyard that is my iPhone Notes app. But within all this chaos of being a responsible adult, September also brings one of my favorite celebrations in San Francisco: Folsom Street Fair. Don’t go Googling it on your work laptop. Some people might just see a naked human trotting on all fours with a leash clipped to their butt plug. I see a glorious celebration of kink, fetish, and people being beautifully, unapologetically free. See you there, freaks! ;)

I found a fleshlight in my boyfriend’s shower. We have sex regularly so I’m confused why he needs this. -Anonymous

Do not fret! Don’t let your brain trick you into thinking you’re competing with squishy silicone. I have two full bins of sex toys, but I have yet to leave my partner for my well-used vibrator. 

Here’s the thing. Sex and masturbation are not the same thing. They scratch different itches. Partnered sex is about connection, intimacy, chemistry, and sometimes weird giggles when one of you makes a strange noise. Masturbation is about self-soothing, release, or exploring what feels good without anyone else in the room. One doesn’t cancel out the other. In fact, I am a huge believer that people in healthy relationships still, and should, masturbate. 

And masturbation isn’t just “normal.” It’s healthy. There’s research showing not only that it reduces stress, helps people sleep better, and boosts our mood, but research also shows that couples who know their partners own and use a sex toy have higher satisfaction in their relationships! Using a fleshlight is basically the same as using your hand—just upgraded with squishier walls. 

Now, here’s the nuance: If you’re noticing that his toy use is actually affecting your sex life together—like he’s avoiding intimacy with you, seems less interested in the sex you want to be having, or you’re feeling disconnected—then it’s absolutely worth having a deeper conversation together. Not in an accusatory, “Why are you choosing this over me?!” way, but more in a, “Hey, I love our sex and I want us to have more of it. How are you feeling?” kind of way. This isn’t about shaming him for masturbating. It’s about expressing your needs and figuring out how to get back on the same page.

I kind of want to get a vibrator but I always heard that sex toys numb your clitoris and that you won’t be able to have an orgasm anymore. -Genevie L. 

Genevie, genuinely thank you for asking this, because I swear this myth has been haunting us since the dawn of dildos. Let me say this loud and clear: Vibrators do not permanently numb your clitoris. Unless we’ve been using a literal jackhammer, we are not going to wake up one day realizing we’ve fried our orgasm button.

The clitoris has more than 10,000 nerve fibers, the highest density of any organ in the human body, and its one job is pleasure. Those nerves are ridiculously resilient. What people usually describe as numbness is just temporary adaptation. Think about when you jump into a hot tub. At first it’s blazing, but a few minutes later your body adjusts. Similar situation here. A survey led by Rullo in 2020 showed about 16 percent of women report feeling a little numb right after vibrator use, but it fades within hours or a day.

In fact, research shows the opposite of the myth. Vibrator users often report higher sexual satisfaction, better orgasms with partners, and sex therapists literally recommend vibrators to help people gain orgasm sensitivity. There was even a 2024 study led by Dubinskaya showing vibrators improved sexual function and reduced pelvic pain for women ages 19-80. Grandma’s vibrator is literally doing her health a favor.

So, why does it sometimes feel like your partner’s hand or mouth can’t compete? Because your brain processes partner touch differently than self-touch. Partner touch lights up the social bonding parts of your brain, while solo play lights up the sensory zones. They’re not the same pathway, so your brain just needs time to switch gears.

Now, if you ever feel like your clit is on a “just needs a nap” schedule after heavy vibrator use, there are ways to reset. You can take a short break for a week or two, reintroduce vibration at lower settings, and diversify the types of stimulation you use.

So yes, please go forth and buy that vibrator guilt-free. Your clit will thank you, and I will personally send you a thank you card.

I promise you that there is truly NO question too unhinged for F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee. Have a question you’d like me to answer for the next article? Submit them anonymously here!