F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: Got that summertime sexiness?

My sunny angel babies, it’s officially summer! Although, throughout the two years of analyzing orgasm data at my company, Lioness, we’ve always seen that summer is the lowest season of the year for masturbating and having orgasms. Maybe it’s because it's too damn hot in our bedrooms or because we’ve been drinking Aperol Spritz since 10 a.m. brunch. Whatever the reason may be, I hope you are all finding a little joy among the chaos!

My girlfriend’s and my life has been so hectic with work, moving, and dogs that I realized we haven’t had sex in more than a month. I am usually one to initiate it but it’s been so busy and sometimes I hesitate because I don’t know if it’s the right moment when there are a thousand other things we have to get done. Is this what being in your 30s is like?! -Anonymous

Welcome, buddy! You are officially in your 30s. We suddenly have approximately three hours of usable energy per day and two of those hours are spent answering emails we forgot to send on Tuesday. The third is staring into the fridge wondering if a fistful of turkey slices counts as dinner. (I’ve done this multiple times.) So yes, sometimes sex gets pushed to the bottom of the list. Not because you’re broken. Not because your relationship is doomed. But because life is happening!

From what I know so far from existing in my 30s, the good news is that this doesn’t mean your sex life is dead. It just means it’s buried under logistics. If you’re usually the one who initiates and you’re now hesitating because you don’t know if it’s the right moment, that hesitation is very valid. But what if “the moment” doesn’t have to be one perfect window of uninterrupted time? What if it’s something you slowly build throughout the week? With kindness. With humor. With tiny acts of desire that don’t require a bed, a candle, or even a clear schedule. Initiating sex doesn’t have to mean “I touched your thigh so now let’s take our pants off” the second you’re horizontal.

I’m a deep believer that initiating sex can start way before anyone’s pants come off. It’s not always about grabbing a boob and hoping for the best. It’s meal prepping for the week so both you and your girlfriend don’t have to think about dinner for a few days. It’s picking up flowers while you’re at the grocery store just to remind each other of small acts of romance. It’s complimenting her three extra times this week to remind her that you find her hot even when it’s pure chaos. These kinds of acts are bigger than initiating sex, they are small reminders to feel desired and they help clear the mental clutter that makes it impossible to even want sex in the first place. You got this.

Okay not trying to be facetious, just genuinely curious from a science perspective. Why do women have orgasms, from an evolutionary standpoint? -AH

Honestly, I’m surprised this question doesn’t get asked more often because even scientists have been hotly debating this topic for years! Long story short, there’s no universally agreed-upon reason why women orgasm, but there are several fascinating theories. I could write a very long history of all theories, but to boil it down, they kind of fall into two broad camps: adaptationist (i.e. it evolved for a specific reproductive purpose) or byproduct (i.e. it’s a side effect of something else evolution selected for).

Upsuck (adaptationist)

One of the most popular theories within the adaptationist side is the upsuck theory, which is also the one I see talked about most often on social media. It’s that the vaginal contractions that happen during orgasm “suck” sperm closer to the cervix to increase fertilization chances. It’s a cool theory, but it’s probably the most controversial one, as more recent studies have not been able to find any links between female orgasms and increased chances of having a baby.

Reward and bonding (adaptationist)

Another popular theory is that because female orgasms release a ton of happy chemicals like oxytocin and prolactin, it’s believed that it could reinforce behaviors to feel bonded with the other person and encourage having more sex (AKA more chances of making babies). This theory is compelling when you consider that women most likely orgasm from clitoral stimulation rather than penetration. This theory would suggest that pleasure is absolutely critical during sex, not reproductive efficiency!

Ovulation of mammals (byproduct)

This theory was my favorite one to learn, because as a Gemini who loves random fun facts, this is one of my favorites to tell people. This theory basically points to ancestral mammals, like rabbits, who will only ovulate after receiving vaginal stimulation! Isn’t that so wild?! There are other mammals like cats and ferrets where mating must happen to induce ovulation. So the theory is that female orgasms began as a reflexive ovulation trigger and eventually humans evolved to hormonal cycles for ovulation…but orgasms stuck around for fun!

Like male nipples (byproduct)

Finally, there’s the main byproduct theory, which is also, as of now, the most widely accepted within the scientific and evolutionary biology community. It’s that the female orgasm is just a developmental byproduct of the male orgasm. Which makes a lot of sense since genitals develop from the same embryonic tissue and the clitoris and penis are the same structure. Just like how men have nipples because women need them for feeding babies, women have orgasms because men need them for sperm ejaculation.

I personally find the adaptationist theories more fun and I guess as a woman who has orgasms, it’s cool to think they’re driven with purpose. Realistically though, I do think it’s just a fun byproduct…or who knows, maybe female orgasms actually open a secret garden in a distant universe. We’ll never know!

I promise you that there is truly NO question too unhinged for F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee. Have a question you’d like me to answer for the next article? Submit them anonymously here!