A closeup of an Asian American woman wearing a sheer, pale purple bra, in a pink-tiled bathroom.

F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: Advice that won’t leave you gagging

Why do people have the fetishes they do? Anna is here with all the answers!

Anna Lee.

Henry Wu

Words by Anna Lee

F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: This is the modern sex advice column you didn’t know you needed, focused on finding confidence in your own pleasure through knowledge and research! Think a fresh reimagining from the days of those pink, star-studded magazine sex advice columns like “10 Ways to Please Your Man” that we all grew up with. In my journey from growing up in a strict, immigrant Korean household, scared of my own body, to my current reality as co-founder of a smart vibrator company and certified sex educator, I realized how much we need to destigmatize the cultural taboo around sexual pleasure. So, hold my hand (if you want to, of course) and together, let’s fuck around and find out every nook and cranny of this sexy world. 🙂 

Have a question you’d like me to answer? Keep ‘em coming by submitting it anonymously here!

Hello, gorgeous humans! Last week, y’all submitted more than 30 questions via Instagram stories for me to answer, and I am making it my goal to get through them all. I ambitiously thought I could do this month’s column rapid fire and answer all of them in one go, but if you have read a few of my other columns, you’ll know by now that I love to gab, and by question three or four, I’ve already written a whole essay. I just want you to know how grateful I am that you all trust me with your brilliant questions, and I promise I’m going to try my best to answer every single one of them in the next few columns. Keep ‘em coming!

I want to learn how to deepthroat like a champ, but I can’t get past my gag reflex. HELP. - Anonymous

When I saw this submission, I wanted to answer it SO badly, but I’ll preface my answer with an honest confession. Because to be a champ, you obviously need to learn from the reigning title holder of deepthroating…but I’ve never held the title belt in my life! SAD! With this said, I will give you what I do know about deepthroating though. I know the common advice to avoid gagging is to squeeze your thumb inside your fist, but I’ve tried it multiple times, and I suddenly go into my head laughing about how I probably look like the Arthur-making-a-fist meme.

A closeup of the character Arthur's clenched fist.

What I imagine I look like while trying not to gag.

It’s just not it for me. The two things that I found the most helpful while trying to earn my own title has been to: 1. Ease yourself into it with a light but long blowjob (maybe while watching a show) to get the gag reflex more desensitized. Eventually you’ll hit a moment where you will feel less “gaggy” and confident enough to inch down deeper. 2. Find the position that will make your throat line up with your mouth to be a straight shot in. This will depend on the curvature of the penis, but either 69 or slightly hanging your head off the edge of the bed while the person with the penis is standing on the floor is a very good place to start.

If all else fails, I promise you that even if you don’t fully deepthroat per se, just super enthusiastic participation as if you’re having the BEST time of your life will get you to the championships. This, I can confidently promise you. Enjoy!

Is there science behind fetishes and why certain people like them (e.g feet)? - Anonymous

This question makes me so happy, because it’s a rabbit hole of a question I want to live inside forever. To keep it the appropriate length of a sex advice column though, the high level of it is that, like a lot of things in the world of sex, there’s no definitive answer because there’s not a ton of research in this space. However, there are two core theories that have stuck around.

The first theory is the "signals crossing" theory and has to do with this diagram of the brain’s sensory mapping (cortical sensory homunculus, to be accurate). The idea of “signals crossing” is that because the body parts are mapped so closely together, different neurons might accidentally cross paths with the area responsible for the genitals. When I first read about this theory, this blew my mind, because which body parts are the closest to the genitals? Toes and feet! It’s my favorite potential explanation for why foot fetishes are so popular.

A sensory homunculus map showing parts of the body such as "leg," "foot," and "genitals."

"Signals crossing," which as to do with the brain's sensory map, could have something to do with certain fetishes.

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

The second theory, "early childhood imprinting," suggests that fetishes are reflections of early life experiences from conditioning and/or trauma. The idea is that fetishes can develop when non-sexual stimuli are paired with sexual imagery, like a woman with a long ponytail in a porn film causing a hair fetish, or from traumatic childhood experiences like growing up in a strict household. The studies are extremely limited around this, and we do know that not everyone develops fetishes due to their childhood, so take it all with a grain of salt. As long as it’s safe and doesn’t hurt you or others (keep it consensual) your fetishes are great!

Is it normal to not enjoy getting oral? (I’m female/bi.) I don’t get the hype, is something wrong with me? - Anonymous

First and foremost, nothing is wrong with you! If you are not experiencing pain or discomfort in some way, it just might not be your thing and that is totally okay and awesome that you know that about yourself. Now, if you did want to self-reflect and dig a little deeper on why you don’t enjoy receiving oral, I’ll leave you with some questions: Is it across the board even with different techniques/partners that you’ve not enjoyed oral? Have you enjoyed receiving other types of stimulation, and it’s specifically oral that you don’t enjoy? Is it more of a mental disenjoyment (e.g. self-consciousness) or a lack of pleasurable physical sensation? I think knowing and being honest about your body and your likes and dislikes are some of the kindest self-cares you can do for yourself. Knowledge is pleasure. Keep learning and remember that there’s nothing wrong with your preferences!

What condom brand would you recommend for big penises? - Anonymous

Because “big” can be classified in so many different ways (girth, length, head vs. shaft, etc.), this is a classic “one size does NOT fit all” situation that can only be remedied by trying a few on and getting an idea of what brands and materials work best for you specifically.

The two brands that do come to mind, and I’ve heard good things about (not sponsored), are SKYN’s Elite Large condoms for the way they stretch and myONE Custom Fit condoms, which are freaking customized to your specific size. How cool is that?!

I promise you that there is truly NO question too unhinged for F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee. Have a question you’d like me to answer for the next article? Submit them anonymously here!

Published on December 12, 2023

Words by Anna Lee

Anna Lee is the co-founder and Head of Engineering of Lioness, the women-led sexual wellness company that built the world’s first and only smart vibrator. Anna was previously a mechanical engineer at Amazon, launching the Amazon Dash Button’s original concept and the Kindle Voyage Page Press Technology. She is a Forbes 30 Under 30 alum and has been covered in numerous publications like Fast CompanyGlamour, and Popular Science, as well as Paper Magazine’s Asian Women Creators You Need to Know and Buzzfeed’s 14 Sex Tech Founders Who Are Changing The Way The World Thinks About Sex. Anna is also a prominent sex education creator on TikTok with nearly 400,000 followers. She is a big advocate of expanding understanding and research in sexual health, and destigmatizing female sexuality.