F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee: 10 signs someone’s good in bed

It's that glorious time of the year again, people. It's Masturbation May, AANHPI Heritage Month, and my birthday month. The trifecta when my powers are at their strongest! I always get a little sentimental near my birthday, so I just want to say thank you so, so much for reading along as I ramble on about all my sex knowledge year after year. I'm still having an absolute blast, and sometimes y'all send in some really funny notes that crack me up. Now, let's get into it!

Let’s do a fun one, Anna! What are some green flags that mean you’re good in bed? -DL

Oh YEAH. I love this question so much. Let me cook. These are in no particular order because ranking green flags feels like a crime, so here's my brain dump:

1. They time consent perfectly. Every single time someone has asked for consent in that cool, effortless, not-clunky way, they have gone on to be one of the best people I've ever been with. Trust me on this.
2. They make noise. Silence is so spooky to me.
3. They genuinely love giving oral.
4. They have a lidded trash can, wet wipes, soap, and clean hand towels in the bathroom. I cannot stress how underrated a lidded trash can in the bathroom is.
5. They bring you a damp towel after sex. Speaking of clean towels. This tiny act of post-sex service makes me swoon.
6. They can laugh with you when something silly happens during sex. Queefs are always funny.
7. They build tension throughout the day, outside the bedroom.
8. They can talk about sex openly. Likes, dislikes, questions, all of it. And crucially, they ask questions back.
9. They're a good hand-holder. Good kissers are a given, but we do not give enough credit to a person who holds your hand like they mean it. That natural yet intentional grip. HOT!
10. They're genuinely enthusiastic. Honestly this is the one that ties everything together. Enthusiasm is the hottest thing a person can bring to bed.

Okay so I've apparently been doing “syntribation” my whole life without knowing it had a name. Can you explain why thigh squeezing works so well? Is it bad if this is the only way I can have an orgasm? -Anonymous

I would bet that more people than you think have discovered pleasure this exact way growing up, squeezing our thighs together and going "huh, neat." In fact, there’s a whole subreddit dedicated to syntribation!   

Here's why it works so dang well: your clitoris is way bigger than that little nub you can see. Most of it lives internally, with two legs (called crura) that run down along either side of the vaginal opening and into the area your thighs are pressing on. So when you squeeze and grind, you're not just creating friction up top, you're putting pressure on the whole internal structure at once, plus engaging your pelvic floor muscles, which are the same muscles that contract during orgasm. It's basically a full-clit hug.

Now, the "is it bad if it's the ONLY way" part. Short answer: not bad, but worth knowing your body can learn other paths if you want them. Bodies are adaptable little creatures. They get really good at whatever you practice most, which is great until you wish you had more options with a partner or a toy. The fix isn't quitting what you love. It's gently introducing variety: a hand here, a toy there, no pressure to finish. Think of it as adding tools to the box.

But if thigh-squeezing is your thing and you're happy? Squeeze on, you clit hugger.

My sex life with my ex was incredible and I genuinely thought I was a high sex drive person. Fast forward to dating again and I feel kind of lukewarm with everyone, even people who I think are hot on paper. Now I'm spiraling like, was it him? Was it me? Do I actually have a low sex drive and just got lucky once? Help. -JC

Don't worry, I don't think you have a low sex drive and I don't think you "got lucky once." I think you're asking a better question than you realize, and trust me, I've sat in this exact spiral.

Most libido talk treats desire like one number stapled to your forehead. You're high drive or low drive, end of story. But that whole frame skips right over the question that actually matters: are you wanting the person in front of you?

There's a 2026 study out of South Korea's Yonsei University that split desire into two flavors: general horniness (or, more scientifically, general sexual desire), and partner-specific desire, meaning how much you want the actual person you're with. And the result? They don't behave the same way at all. The researchers found that partner-specific desire was positively linked to relationship well-being, while general desire was actually negatively linked to it.

Read that again. That "is this person hot on paper" measurement you keep running? Closer to the general kind, the one that doesn't predict feeling good with someone. What lit you up with your ex wasn't some fixed high sex drive. It was desire that had a target, fed by the context and the dynamic and the chemistry of him specifically.

So nothing's broken. Your wanting just has an opinion about who. Now go enjoy that dating journey!

I promise you that there is truly NO question too unhinged for F*ck Around and Find Out with Anna Lee. Have a question you’d like me to answer for the next article? Submit them anonymously here!